life is pretty fair to me..

Have you ever trusted someone so bad that your very trust eventually break your own heart because in the end you realize that................you can NOT trust anyone but your very own self. It happened to me several times. And mostly with guys. But that's okay. I believe that every relationship will come to an end. It's the way the Universe lead you to find your right one. You may say I'm cheesy but...really? Don't you lie in front of my face by telling that you don't believe that stuff.  Bcs if you don't, you wouldn't let yourself to fall for another 'the-one' after you'd done with your last relationship. Even the most player yet jerkily heart-breaker guy will eventually settle down to his right one. 

But the relationship I'm talking here isn't that guy and girl relationship. It's not about being in love and cheesy ad stuff. It's mostly about trust and understanding. And yeah, I was talking about friendship.

You know, the thing about me is..........I value friendship. And sometimes for too much that it kind of has became the heart-breaking part circle of disappointment in my life. Why is it so wrong when it feels so right to trust someone like the way I trust them now? What I'm trying to say is.......seriously people? We're finally has entered the adulthood stage! We're supposed to do whatever we can to prevent that childish part of ours out and let the mature one stand up and show how good the world going to be with them controlling our behavior. 

It's hard for me not to trust people around me. I believe, there's always a good part hidden somewhere even in the most cold-hearted person in this world. So, what's the harm of trusting them? So many aches I've got for doing that and yet I still can't change my the way I trust people around me. But this one...this one had kicked my ass so hard that I barely can feel myself..

I used to be friends with this person. Let's just call this person 'X' because I don't want the gender lead you guys to the never ending wonder of the name of this person. Well, X and I was pretty close. And what I mean when I said pretty was.......so very very very very very close. There's a time when I can't remember one single day I've passed without talking to X. Direct indirect. Face to face, bbm, Facebook, twitter. What a fun days those days was. And I've mentioned how valuable friendship is for me, so no wonder I tried to do anything  so that I can help X get through its problems. To be happy and understand that life isn't worth all the regret and sadness. To make X understand that I truly will be here for X. And to feel that kind of peace when you know that no matter what you do someone will always have your back. And as my naive thought used to believe, that someone was X. 

And out of sudden...there came that day.When X ignored me out of the blue. What did I do wrong? X'd done this several times but this one...this one was pretty rough. I cried a lot for the first few months. I couldn't help myself not to wander...why...? I know that was so X, it's not the first time X'd done this kind of silent treatment to X's friend. One of my close friends, which is X's close friend too had experienced this silence too....from X. But that time, my close friend has me. And the others. And from what my close friend told me, that time was so hard for her too. I barely saw her that time. 
But this time, I had no one. No one to talk to except my ex who was still being my boyfriend at that moment. A few months had gone and that silence was still far from getting better. And me? I was losing my hope to be close to X like we used to. I was drop-dead dying to be friends with X again. But all the grudges X held against me...this tiny heart of mine just couldn't bear that. It used to be so hard for me to wake up remembering no matter how good my morning was, X was still going to do all the painful silence and suddenly all the happy mood from my morning gone. In a blink of an eye.

It's been almost a year and trust me I don't know how could I manage the sadness pain aches and crappy stuff about this whole silence between us. But what can I say? X hates me for too much. Should I blame X for that? Should I blame myself for being myself? I don't want to defend myself but there will be time when you know enough it's all enough. And maybe, for me this very moment I had enough. No friends of mine ever made me feel this down. My whole body aches. I want to stop thinking about X and move on to my medical stuff and ignore everything X has made me feel but then again, I cursed the way I value friendship for too much. Deep down, I still hope X and I can be friends like we used to. I'm willing to forget everything even I cowardly saying this in this blog, not to X directly. But what can I say? Some feelings remain. And this one is clearly the rough one. So from now on, I won't hope. 

But overall I'm loving my life now. Not tomorrow not yesterday but at this very exact moment. My family, friends, medschool, everything is on their perfect shape. I even found my long lost friend. I'll tell about that later bcs frankly I started writing this blog since last night but then he called me and we get drowned into our 4 hours non-stop phone call. And now we're about to hang out, so.......gonna write more later!

REMEMBER!
Being thankful will change the way you see life. Trust me, I'm feeling much better now.
G2G!