NEVER PROMISE TO ADORE ME FOREVER

everybody's sweet when they're in love, but when something bad happens, they're gonna show their true colors.

I used to keep that words in this busy mind of mine for the last couple years. Since my first relationship didn't go so well, I always keep that in my fuckin mind, in order to protect myself from getting hurt. You know, bad stuff happens and people changed. That's one of my reasons for not believing a long-term relationship. As I already said before, people changed. And sometimes they change into someone we least wanted them to be. But they keep on changing and seemed like whatever we do is simply not enough for them to stop changing. I hate it to stay on a place I don't recognize anymore. That's why I stop myself from putting my believes to people for too much and being realistic yet skeptical. And from I can feel, this method of mine works really well. I don't get hurt, I move on fast, I still be friends with lot of people...just by not letting yourself expect too high. I'm not heartless, still sensitive and such a crybaby person you may say. But I built wall for my feelings, since it's easy to get hurt.

But suddenly....everything...for no apparent reason started to fall apart..

Why does is even happen?

I think I've been asleep for forever. This isn't myself. I don't recognize this person anymore. I don't recognize me.

Can we stop this now? Get back to normal?

I'm in a deep-shit. I changed myself. For a person I shouldn't trust. And it just costed me for too much that I finally reach my turning point because I simply can't bear it anymore.Why do bad relationship has to happen? Why can't people be all flowery and joyful and loving each other without letting them get hurt?

Why am I doing???????????

Who am I fooling?????????????

What can I do to stop this?????????

HELP PEOPLE

S.O.S

I really don't know what I can do to find myself again.. but I believe, my true self is lying there somewhere inside of me. And if I go deeper, search more, keep my faith, and pray.....I will find her.

If it's not now, then someday.

If it's not someday, perhaps in one of those other days.

But I will find her again. I FREAKIN' WILL.

And by the time I find her, I will never let her go off my watch again. I'll let her build her wall again for me. Never again..

btw, here are my medschool friends : )

from the past, with love

i have always been grateful for her as long as i can remember :'

but then, this grateful and graceful part of me just gone. out of the sudden.

so, pls excuse my silent treatment and this nasty behaviour you thought i have. do me a tiny bit favor. why dont you ask yourself, "why did she change? "

have you ever stop your mind from blaming others and try to think about the slighest chance that maybe it's not them that has changed, maybe its you refusing their natural behaviour. maybe you asked for something they dont have, perfection.

and yet

she becomes him.

from now on, we're not going to be like we used to be. lets be us again, someday. when the time has shown you the real part of everything. when thse dark cloud of your has gone.

i used to take care of you and your feelings. but now i had enough.

farewell, m :'-)

hi there, been wanting to post some extravagant sneek peek abt my busy life lately. but as my busy life keeps me busy, it's hard for me to even open a blog that doesnt have medical fact in there. i barely can use my laptop if its not for the usual-tuesday-and-friday medical discussion.

i hardly recognize myself. a lot has changed, and i just couldn't accept that.

you know, I'm not the study type. for my whole 18 years, I've never study at home, not until h-1 exam. i fall asleep whenever i read text book. i don't take notes from every day's subject. i chat all the time with people around me, and yes, teachers recognized me for that, they even tried to separate me with my friends, but they always end up surrounding me. sometimes, i don't even go to my class when the break time is already over. i ask a few friends of mine to accompany me to eat some snacks or just hangout in the canteen. and for some reasons, i thought teachers would like that way better. at least i wont bother them teaching.

the question is

if learning is not my thing

then

why did i choose

medical

school?

i dont know. i just happened want to be a doctor. and i love biology, even if i never say i hate math. and i still can handle chemistry well. the only problem i had is with physics but i don't think that will be such a barrier for my way to be a doctor.

im not one of those freaking nerdy geniuses who will study days and nights. not having an equivalent time for their mind to get refresh and search some fun instead of seek for answer. but i wont mind to learn about human, its bodies, the system of the human bodies which was so compli-fackin-cated. well, since that system has dramatically stolen my attention, i guess i'll make a little exception for my living pattern.

so, it came as a real shock when i realized that.....its not even an exception anymore. it has became me. I'm officially a medical school student. i study at night, i don't chat when the doctor's teaching, it makes me think a lot whenever i want to get out from my class just for a little fun, and the magical part is....i barely touch my laptop and its Internet connection. my laptop was my life. and now i barely touch it. i guess that i really have changed after all. or maybe, I've got a new life that more adventurous than $y old one

perhaps this new life of mine is good for me. perhaps i need to fill my head with more useful stuff. perhaps its time to change my habits, from hanging out everyday to filling my head with those good and useful stuff. from doing some tap tap dance everyday to take another step to the higher level day by day.

i hate it when people changed.

but sometimes

you need to sincerely let them change

to be better as they aged

and i believe

one day

we will understand

that change

is the one thing

you cannot avoid

you need to change

to seek for your true self. for your future.

too late but I still post it anyway

This was a story of me on Monday, May 9 2011. My 18th birthday to be exact.

Frankly, I'm not a big fan of birthdays. Except the party. I'd love to attend people's party, not making one. I like to shower people with attention, not being the attention of the party. When I was in highschool, I got invitation almost every two weeks. And sometimes, two invitations for one week, in the different days, and even in the same day. I was so happy. With all the free food and dresses. The chit chat and night out and bunches photos I got tagged a few days after......I was extremely enjoying that moment. Even with my pop's prob that he rarely gives me permission to go out at night, I still feel the excitement of getting the invitation. I didn't attend every party because of my pop's prob. Only a few of them, when pop was in his best mood, when the time is possible, when mom's in town so she could help me do a little lie to pop, or when it was my best best friend's party.

That's why I didn't expect anything for my 18th birthday.

My family has no tradition to celebrate birthday. It came as a real shock when they came to my room and sang me happy birthday..with a guitar at 00.15 am in May 9. WOW. I mean...WOW. I've never felt so important for my family before. There was mom and pop, sisters, my aunt and uncle, and even my grandma. O MY HOLLY GOD. I just feel.........calm.

But I couldn't post the photos of that moment since I didn't wear my veil : p

Just photos of the cake

That day I wet to Inten in order to fulfill my education need to pass SNMPTN for faculty of medicine in University of Indonesia which was a total failure. So, let's just skip that failure stuff and jump to another. When I got to Inten, I searched for Des, my friend, and did a little chit chat with her. But suddely she asked me to go outside to do something. When I got outside I saw Yasmin, Aldo, Tommy, and Lulu coming with a cake, I couldn't help myself not to smile that time. So, I made a wish, blew off the candle, and took some picture. Out of nowhere Yasmin, Lulu, and Des asked me to go to yasmin's car to coll off their body, but what I didn't know was what they wanted to do next....

THEY PULLED OFF MY VEIL---MY NORMAL VEIL--- AND CHANGED IT INTO A RABBIT VEIL

O MY HOLLY GOD

WHY.

And they hide my normal veil and pulled me to Inten............they warned me to not struggle or they wouln't give my normal veil back...

omg...I get burst by shameful..

I was waiting in vein for the time to go home when they suddenly came and asked me another favor. TO GO ALL AROUND INTEN WITH THAT FREAKY RABBIT VEIL ON MY HEAD AND SHARE MY CAKE TO EVERYONE IN INTEN. inc the people I don't even know..

And pity me that some of the cake fell down so I had to clean the dirt floor. Can you just imagine? A rabbit head girl cleaning a floor full of people walking around to study? I couldn't be more embarrassed.

After the whole cleaning thing, Yasmin, Des, and Shata pulled me again to Yasmine's car. But this time, they close my eyes. I simply didn't know where we were heading to. I was afraid remembering what they did to me before. What if they asked me to walk around a mall with that freaky rabbit head of mine? NO. FREAKING. WAY.

As we finally arrived, I could feel the atmosphere of someplace I recognized. The fresh air, the street, and the barking dog.....I knew that it was Yasmin's house.

They asked me to walk to Yasmine's room..which kinda hard since my eyes were still closed. So I crawled

AND SO SWEET OF THEM! They gave me a chocolate and a piece of strawberry cake for my birthday cake.

And....the real surprise was.

.

.

.

make over................

They said they get bored by the way I dressed..while I was happily comfortable with that.

So they make over me. From this one..

Make over on progress

with Yasmin, host of the house

Photos of me after the makeover

And told me that there was another surprise for me..

VOILA! 4TH SUPRPRISE FROM MY AK ♥

Febby was trying my Rabbit Veil

We went to Pizza Hut in the end of the day : )

That day. was like the best day EVER.

All the ♥♥♥ for my ♥♥♥

just don't ruin my presence happiness.

Where do I go from here?

I mean college is a great experience that changed me for life. But it also crippled my perfect little world I had before it. Am I happy to know how much more life has to offer? Was it all worth it? Most of all though, is there any way I can keep the best of both worlds? I have no idea whether I actually had happiness as good as it gets, or whether I will ever come close again to having what I had. And I will never know the answers to those questions til I’m dead. This is my biggest fear. Now everything I have is at risk, and I don’t know what do. My heart can barely take it. Every decision could be a mistake, but not doing anything is also a decision and could very well be a mistake. It’s like I’m stuck in a state of paralysis pleading for someone wise to just tell me what to do so I can be free and alive again, because lately I can’t say I’ve truly been living.

Overall, where do we really go from here? I’ve never been so conflicted, indecisive, and clueless in my life.

You know, I still can't get on with the word 'college' pretty well. In my mind, I still think about myself as a student. A high school student. Deep inside, I just can't accept that I'm not that high school girl anymore. I ain't living that life anymore. I'm not living the high school world that my friends and I used to rule. But you know, I just can't stay like this forever. Life is too short to waste time reminiscing anything. Really, I hate being such a nasty dumbass by complaining like this. When I complain, it’s like saying I don’t believe that God is in control. I just need to be thankful that I've amazingly passed the high school years and be one step ahead to grasp my dream to be a Cardiothoracic Surgeon. The one that I've been dreaming on for the last two years.

take my photo and fΔk the rest

AH! Who doesn't love polaroid? I'm absolutely not one of them :p - Instax

Worst Photobox - Amazon World : Pacific Place

FAVE!! - Fun World

The So-In-Photobox - Iconia : Blitz Megaplex

☀ BEEN INLUV WITH THESE BOXES ☀

☀SO I TOOK A LOT PHOTOS OF MINE INSIDE ☀ DON'T BOTHER TO ASK WHY ☀ I JUST FEEL MORE CONFIDENT SEEING THIS UGLY FACE OF MINE IN THAT PHOTOS ☀ LESS SELF CONFIDENT LATELY ☀ IF THIS IS THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO INCREASE MY SELF CONFIDENT THEN I'LL DO IT ☀ AGAIN&AGAIN ☀ AND AGAIN ☀

post script.

they say you're lucky if you in love with your best friend. and here i am, falling for mine. its okay whether i'm lucky for falling with my best friend or not. but this one i'm pretty sure, i'm lucky for having someone deeply care abt my beings. have lost the feeling of being taken care by someone like this. but for some reason, i feel graciously grateful yet still cannot trust him the way i trust the others. i trust him as my best friend. but boyfriend? whoa whoa take it easy, ra. you've done bunches terrible stuff in the past. you've betrayed some people who cared abt you for too much. i know its just a past. but the past made you who you are now. i'm going to watch my step from now on.

all the luv!

don't make promises (you can't keep)

Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in trash. Detention becomes suspension. Mobile phones were used in class. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and your mom was your hero? Race issues were who ran the fastest. The only drug you knew of was cough medicine. The most pain you felt was when you scraped your knees. Goodbyes were only until tomorrow. We couldn’t even wait to grow up..

Gee.. I miss that time. When everything used to be so easy and normal and the world was busy with others life and the way I never miss my nap time..

YOU GUYS ROCK! I MISS US, DON'T EVER CHANGE.

With this stuff, I'm in ........... &&

Have I mentioned to you guys how much I love an old-fashioned guy? Geez... I simply want them to be old-fashioned enough to flattered me and win my heart. And he has to be so cheesy but exciting at the same time. So gentle but fun enough to light up the air. Anyway, let me being corny for now. Just a little time in this midnight...