Can't Stop Whining :'

When I was a child, I've dreamt so much about being an adult. Being a Chef, owning my own restaurant, marrying my perfect fiance, having my wonderful children, growing old, never get divorced, being happy, those kind of stuff every little girl has on their tiny little world with their huge imagination without knowing how hard the Adult World could be. Well, I used to be so optimist, catching the adrenaline, rushing everything, and cheering everyone up. Without realizing I'm getting farther and farther away from my own dreams.

As I grow up, I've learnt that even though we tried and did our very very best, the lucky one will come to the stage. Pretty Depressing, isn't it? I'd rather bury myself alive. I'm so out of this whole crap. Please, let me out. Open the fvcking door and simply let me in to the marvelous life everybody has been dreaming on. But is that life even exist? I don't think so. Dammit. I hate being alive. You guys should shake my hand for surviving this far.

I don't put too much expectations for my future, yes I don't. I'm so done with someone..or should I say something, lifting me up and then pushing me back to the ground. Without giving any shits for all the things I've done, for everything, for my effing hard work. Do I even need to mention everything??
All I want is just living a normal happy life. And never get hurt. Is that too much for me to ask? Blame my over sized imagination then.

Dear God, will You punish me for being a bad person? I hope You won't, because this life itself has been a tough punishment for me. Stop writing a bad fate for me and please please please let me get what I want. I'm extremely scared of my future. I'm afraid of failure. Sticking a deep pain into mom's heart. Putting an awful disgrace into family's reputation. And the most terrifying reason is, face the fact that after all the whole pains and miseries and sacrifices, my efforts are gonna be a total useless. Zero. An enormous hole. ZONK you may say. Do I even ready to face that fact? Dammit. Life's suck.

Pardon me for swearing too much. I just get depressed way too easy these days. I don't even know which way I'm heading to. Too much choices, lack of ability. And now every single day of my life is a goddamn marathon while the problem with time is still hanging on there. Yeah, time always runs out, without any warning. I'll repeat. WITHOUT ANY WARNING.
Life comes out with no guarantees, no time outs, and no second chances. You did it and wished for a return. Not a bit. My body's predicting some even that have yet to happen, and I could imagined how serious it would be if I stayed like this. I can't speak a word.

Why is it always like this? Always the same, fun and laughter followed by anger and tears. Does pleasure always have to be pay with pain?

WHAT DO I WANT?
CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT DO I WANT?
WHAT DO I WANT TO BE?
WHAT DO I WANT FOR MY FUTURE?
WHAT IS THE BEST FOR ME and MY FUTURE and EVERYTHING?
WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT
IF IF IF IF
WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF........................
........................................

**please someone help me answer it, very nice of you my dear :')