Hard is undefinable. Mark my last word. It's harder than you all know. So, please. Stop giving a shit for what I am doing right know. Stop talking and acting like you can do it in a blink of an eye. I'm making my own progress and since you don't even know me at all lately, stop acting like a total bitch which is irritating me out. You don't even know what I've been through. You don't know how different this one with the others.
So sorry, blame my teenage hormones. I've been acting so weird for these last 4 months. And I'm blaming myself for doing that. I mean, it's fucking 4 months for God's sake! I must be left out a lot of things. Sometimes I kinda wondering. Why should we involve ourselves into love? Into a love with some random guys who simply worthless. But everything was so perfect back then. I can't believe that he's one of those random jerky guys. He is different. Well yeah, he WAS. By the time I know the real him, I realized that I'm making the biggest mistake of my entire existence. Please.. tell me this isn't happening. What am I going to do? I can't think straight.
I want to blame someone. For not stopping me for doing this dumb creepy thing. But I know it's no ones fault. They even warned me, not to involve myself to him. They knew him even better. Than my stupid heart has known. Blame me then.
I had the sudden feeling that I am in hell. All of my dream about it are now fast disappearing before I have managed myself to grasp its meaning. How could I? Leave everything behind in order to be with him? And I trusted him. Totally and utterly. Like a stupid gullible fool. I want to shoot myself for being so rubbish.
Another way, but I don't know any other way. I feel like the light's gone out and I'm feeling my way forward, one step at a time. All I know is I can't go back to who I was. I don't know who I am, or what my goal is..or where I'm heading in life. Everything is so blur that I barely can't recognize myself anymore.
It's fine. Really. I keep convincing myself that it's perfectly fine and everything is simply gonna be alright. Some things happen. And some things don't. And this one, the one that I've been struggle for the last 4 months obviously just isn't mean to be. Except deep down.. I still believe it is. Well so sorry then, I never good at reading signs. You should tell me from the very very beginning, stop giving signs cause I'm not giving any shit for it.
Maybe I should forgive him? Everyone makes mistakes after all, and it doesn't necessarily make them a bad person. But, forgiving him means trusting the fact that we're friend and not even mean to be more than that. Pretty scary fact. I'm totally lost for words.
But I only live once. Why don't enjoy it? Maybe I am not quite as over him as I'd hoped. But I can catch some fun while progressing myself to moving on, right? I am starting to adapt to my own mistakes. Life is too short to hang around. And there's nothing more in this world that I like more than spending times with my girls. Having fun on the go. Have a fantastic day people!!
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